Nicole Evans, LMFT

3 Ways to Support a Loved One through a Time of Loss

Loss looks and feels different for everyone so know that there is no “right” or “wrong” way to grieve.

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Loss is an incredibly difficult part of our everyday life. It can be viewed in the sense of someone passing away, a relationship coming to an end, or closing the chapter on something. Regardless of the type of <a href="https://tryframe.com/blog/your-questions-answered-about-grief" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #3574e3;">loss</a>, feelings of sadness, pain, hurt, and mourning can arise and can be very hard to navigate. Another challenge with loss is knowing how to support someone you love who is going through it. We all have our own way of how we would process a loss, but trying to help someone else in their own experience is very different. In this article we will explore three important ways to help support a loved one through a time of loss.
<h2 style="font-size: 16px;">How can you support someone experiencing loss or grief?</h2>
One of the best things you can do for someone who is grieving is to listen. When someone is going through a loss, they may not know how to fully process what they are experiencing. They may be feeling a mix of emotions that are painful, do not quite make sense to them, or may conflict with each other (e.g., sad one moment, laughing the next). Because they are trying to sort out what is coming up for them, it is SO important for their loved ones to be there with open ears and open hearts. Someone who is grieving needs the support of someone who will sit with them in their feelings, without judgment, and listen. This may be difficult because seeing someone you love in pain can be very hard, but they do not need to be “fixed” in that moment, hear what the solutions to their loss may be, or how it will get easier with time; they need you to listen and to be there. Going into “fix-it” mode, will likely cause the person to not feel heard and can translate your discomfort to them. This can ultimately push your loved one away, or can cause them to minimize what they are going through in order to take care of you and your feelings. Instead, slow down and listen.
Another important form of support is to give your loved one the time and room to heal. It can be tempting to try and push them to start doing things, to get out of the house, be social, etc., but all of those things need to be done in time and when your loved one is ready, not just because you want that for them. Pushing someone to move through their grief quicker than they are ready to, can cause a suppression of their feelings to build up internally, which can then come out completely misplaced later in life. Loss does not go away over night and is not linear, so the feelings around it may constantly be changing. It is important for someone who is grieving to feel and ride all of the waves of emotion that come with the grief- meaning some days they may feel able to take on the day and socialize with friends, and another day they may want to stay in with a good shoulder to cry on; most importantly, however, is them knowing that you are with them on this difficult ride and are not pushing them to be somewhere they are not in their loss process.
Lastly, check in on them. Often times with loss, people do not know how to bring up their feelings or how to talk about what they are going through. They may worry it will be “too much” for someone to hear, or may feel overwhelmed trying to sort through their emotions. This can cause them to not know how to ask for the help or the support that they need because they, themselves, may not even know what that support looks like. This is why it is crucial to check in on your loved one and remind them that you are there. Let them know that you want to listen if they want to talk, or send a simple text such as “thinking of you today,” or “checking in to see how you’re doing.” Reaching out or sending that text may be the one thing they needed to hear that day and can help start a healing conversation. People also tend to forget that loss can take a really long time to move through- so you may think your loved one is “fine” because some time has passed, but they may be hurting and need to be checked in on. Remind them that you are still there.
<h2 style="font-size: 16px;">Remember the 3 Keys to Supporting a Loved One through Grief</h2>
<ol>
<li>Lend a listening ear</li>
<li>Give time and room to heal</li>
<li>Check in with them</li>
</ol>
Loss looks and feels different for everyone so know that there is no “right” or “wrong” way to grieve. Also, coming to acceptance of a loss can take years and years, if ever, for someone. So listen, make room for their loss, and check in on them. Also remember that while you are trying to support them, it is very important to support YOU during this time! Watching someone you love go through any kind of loss, may bring up a lot of your own feelings. It is so important for you to reach out to your own loved ones and your own forms of support, so that you can heal and process through your emotions as well.
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About the Author: <a href="https://client.tryframe.com/therapists/646" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #22374b;">Nicole Evans</a> is a California and Texas based licensed marriage and family therapist who mainly works with adults going through self-esteem issues, anxiety/depression, and life transitions. She has spent the last 10 years studying and practicing therapy to provide her clients with a safe and non-judgmental space to feel heard and understood. When she is not working, you can find her outside enjoying nature with her golden retriever, Bear. If you would like to connect with Nicole directly, <a href="https://client.tryframe.com/therapists/646" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #3574e3;">head to her Frame profile.</a>

Loss is an incredibly difficult part of our everyday life. It can be viewed in the sense of someone passing away, a relationship coming to an end, or closing the chapter on something. Regardless of the type of <a href="https://tryframe.com/blog/your-questions-answered-about-grief" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #3574e3;">loss</a>, feelings of sadness, pain, hurt, and mourning can arise and can be very hard to navigate. Another challenge with loss is knowing how to support someone you love who is going through it. We all have our own way of how we would process a loss, but trying to help someone else in their own experience is very different. In this article we will explore three important ways to help support a loved one through a time of loss.

https://8349570.fs1.hubspotusercontent-na1.net/hubfs/8349570/support%20loved%20one%20with%20grief.png

Loss is an incredibly difficult part of our everyday life. It can be viewed in the sense of someone passing away, a relationship coming to an end, or closing the chapter on something. Regardless of the type of <a href="https://tryframe.com/blog/your-questions-answered-about-grief" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #3574e3;">loss</a>, feelings of sadness, pain, hurt, and mourning can arise and can be very hard to navigate. Another challenge with loss is knowing how to support someone you love who is going through it. We all have our own way of how we would process a loss, but trying to help someone else in their own experience is very different. In this article we will explore three important ways to help support a loved one through a time of loss.

Kendra Wilson, LCSW

Ask A Therapist: My Mom Has BPD, What's My Survival Guide?

Ideally a loved one with BPD would see the problem & be willing to work on it. Since that's not always the case, here are some ways for you to manage. 

Dear Therapist: I'm pretty sure my mom has BPD, what's my survival guide for this? She is not open to therapy, and has always been completely unaware of her role in any issues.&nbsp;

Frame Therapist Kendra Wilson weighs in….
<h1 style="font-size: 16px;">What is Borderline Personality Disorder?</h1>
Borderline Personality Disorder is characterized by intense emotions and fear of abandonment that often leaves people around them having to walk on eggshells all the time - it’s very intense! It is one of ten <a href="https://tryframe.com/blog/can-people-with-personality-disorders-change" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #3574e3; text-decoration: underline;">personality disorders</a>, which are ways of thinking, feeling and behaving that deviates from the expectations of the culture, causes distress or problems functioning, and lasts over time. With BPD, it results in instability in relationships, thoughts, emotions, and how they see themselves. They might self-harm or get suicidal frequently, even when they are not depressed. Even though anyone would feel exhausted living with this, don’t ignore their self harm behavior or threats - take those all very seriously, because they are often on the table for those with <a href="https://tryframe.com/blog/what-is-borderline-personality-disorder" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #3574e3;">BPD</a>, as it is challenging to live with for the individual and all of their loved ones.&nbsp;
<h1 style="font-size: 16px;">Tips for living with a person with BPD&nbsp;</h1>
Ideally, your mom would see the problem and be willing to work on it, but since that is not the case, here are some ways for you to manage:&nbsp;
<ul>
<li>Set boundaries - EVERYTHING you read about BPD tells you how important this is, but they do not always tell you how to do it. Think about what you really want, be as specific as you possibly can, and distill it into a simple message. Then you will deliver that message calmly and as many times as you have to to get the message across. An example: Mom, it is frustrating when you continue to read my emails and violate my trust. To protect myself, I will set a password on my computer so you will not be tempted to violate my privacy again.&nbsp; </li>
<li>Learn to calm the waters - for yourself and for her. Here are some techniques: &nbsp;
<ul>
<li><a href="https://tryframe.com/blog/3-grounding-techniques-to-calm-anxiety" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #3574e3;">5 senses </a>- focus on each of your five senses in turn, or assemble a sensory soothing kit for when you need to regroup.&nbsp;</li>
<li><a href="https://tryframe.com/discussions/intro-to-square-breathing-exercise-for-anxiety" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #3574e3;">Square breathing </a>- this simple breathing exercise can be used at any time to help recenter you. Just breathe in through your nose for a slow count of 4, hold for 4, and breathe out through your mouth slowly for 4 - then repeat 3 more times!&nbsp;</li>
<li>Validate - Don’t tell them what they are feeling. If you can validate someone in the midst of a conflict in 3 different ways, you can usually end the argument. This means that you find something (even if it is a little something!) to acknowledge you heard them - something like “I can understand your point of view/emotion/reaction.” Validating someone’s perspective doesn’t require you to abandon your own. Empathizing shows that you understand why they have those feelings and needs.&nbsp; </li>
</ul>
</li>
<li>Get support if you need it - dealing with BPD can be very frustrating and very invalidating for you, too! Sometimes, you need to change your own perspective and get feedback from outside the situation. This can be a friend or partner, or it could be <a href="https://client.tryframe.com/get-started" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #3574e3;">a therapist</a>. Just be clear about your expectations - if you just want to vent, make it clear you do not want them problem solving - that can make it worse sometimes.&nbsp; </li>
<li>Develop loving-kindness - compassion and loving-kindness are related, but it is really important! <a href="https://tryframe.com/discussions/5-min-self-love-meditation" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #3574e3;">Loving-kindness meditations</a> are available in lots of different places, but here's one I like from Dr.Kristen Neff. There are a ton of benefits to these exercises, but the main ones are that it reduces your stress response and builds resilience.&nbsp;</li>
</ul>
Try these 4 strategies, and try them again! Another key to <a href="https://tryframe.com/blog/ask-a-therapist-how-do-i-talk-to-my-parents-about-boundaries" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #3574e3;">boundary setting</a>, and to dealing with BPD, is to be consistent and clear in your behavior and your words, like a broken record if necessary!&nbsp;
---&nbsp; About the author: <a href="https://client.tryframe.com/therapists/kendra-wilson" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #3574e3;">Kendra Wilson</a> is a licensed clinical social worker in Virginia &amp; North Carolina. She has been working in mental health for over 20 years and specializes in working with clients with Eating Disorders and with using DBT (dialectical behavior therapy). Her focus is helping people with issues of over-control (including depression, perfectionism, anxiety, and all types of eating disorders) develop compassion (for themselves and others). View more authored content from Kendra, or connect directly, via her <a href="https://client.tryframe.com/therapists/kendra-wilson" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #3574e3;">Frame profile here.&nbsp;</a>
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** This blog series is not suited for people who are in immediate crisis. If you are in crisis, please call National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK(8255) or contact Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741.
&nbsp;

Dear Therapist: I'm pretty sure my mom has BPD, what's my survival guide for this? She is not open to therapy, and has always been completely unaware of her role in any issues.&nbsp;

https://8349570.fs1.hubspotusercontent-na1.net/hubfs/8349570/Image%20Templates%20-%202022-08-10T142304.002.png

Dear Therapist: I'm pretty sure my mom has BPD, what's my survival guide for this? She is not open to therapy, and has always been completely unaware of her role in any issues.&nbsp;

Ileana Arganda-Stevens, LMFT

sad wife with husband looking off in background

Ask A Therapist: How Do I Make My Husband Understand My Depression?

It is so hard when the people closest to us don’t take us seriously. This is especially difficult when we’re struggling and in need of support.

Dear therapist, my husband doesn't take it seriously when I say I’m depressed. How should I deal with this?

<a href="https://client.tryframe.com/therapists/ileana-arganda-stevens" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #ff6943;">Frame Therapist, Ileana Arganda-Stevens</a> weighs in...
First, I just want to say it is so hard when the people closest to us don’t take us seriously. This is especially difficult when we’re struggling and in need of support. With <a href="https://tryframe.com/blog/tools-to-combat-depression" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #3574e3;">depression</a>, we might already have a hard time reaching out for help and when the person we’re reaching out to doesn’t believe us, it just adds to our stress.&nbsp;
So what do we do?
Let’s start with you. I really want to encourage you to <a href="https://client.tryframe.com/get-started" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #3574e3;">seek out the help you need</a> regardless of whether or not your husband believes you. You are the expert on your personal experience and your needs. If you need a therapist or would like to try group therapy, you don’t need permission to do so. If cost is a factor, try dialing 211 (this is a nation-wide information source for community services) and let them know you’d like to be connected to affordable mental health care in your area.&nbsp;
Based on your question, it sounds like you’ve been trying to tell your husband what is wrong and that you need support. I want to emphasize that while I think it’s important to communicate about your needs, the other person is responsible for what they do with the information you give them. All you can do is be clear. You may have heard the term “I” Statements before. This is a way of saying things that focuses on clearly stating how you feel and what you need and it tends to reduce defensiveness in others. For you, an “I” statement might look like, “When you tell me you don’t believe I’m depressed, I feel hurt and lonely. I really need your support.”
Finally, I want to say that some people need time to better understand what we’re going through. They might feel defensive, like you’re struggling because they’re doing something wrong or they’re not a good partner. Unfortunately, sometimes our needs compete with our partner’s needs and we struggle to support one another. This can result in both people feeling a certain amount of resentment. Individual therapy may benefit both partners as it can help us to get support, improve our understanding of our needs, and improve our ability to advocate for ourselves. If there continues to be difficulties in the relationship, couples therapy might be something to consider in the future.&nbsp;
To recap, remember…
<ul>
<li>Seek out professional support</li>
<li>Know you are not responsible for other’s reactions</li>
<li>Use “I statements” to communicate feelings</li>
<li>Create space for processing over time</li>
</ul>
For now, focus on you and finding the support you need. Remember, you are the expert on your experience.&nbsp;
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About the Author: <a href="https://client.tryframe.com/therapists/ileana-arganda-stevens" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #22374b;">Ileana Arganda-Stevens</a> is a Licensed Marriage &amp; Family Therapist (LMFT) who works at a group practice in Sacramento. Ileana specializes in working with women (20’s-40’s) who struggle with depression, anxiety, childhood emotional neglect (CEN), self-care, and boundary setting. Ileana is passionate about helping these women learn to prioritize themselves and grow their self-compassion. If you’d like to learn more or get in touch, please visit her <a href="https://client.tryframe.com/therapists/ileana-arganda-stevens" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #22374b;">Frame profile here</a>.
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Welcome to our content series "Ask a Therapist" featuring real user-submitted questions, and the follow-up answers from Frame Therapists. We believe that everyone can benefit from hearing how people, just like them, get through their struggles, learn and grow.
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** This blog series is not suited for people who are in immediate crisis. If you are in crisis, please call National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK(8255) or contact Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741.&nbsp;

Dear therapist, my husband doesn't take it seriously when I say I’m depressed. How should I deal with this?

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Dear therapist, my husband doesn't take it seriously when I say I’m depressed. How should I deal with this?

Sandra Shahrokh, AMFT

Ask a Therapist: How do I talk to my parents about boundaries?

Learn the key communication skills for setting boundaries parents with adult parents and improving your relationships. 

Dear Therapist: I feel like my parents are giving me conflicting messaging because they emphasize how much they want me to be independent and successful but then also guilt me when I’m not spending time with them and sacrificing my plans to do family events. It’s almost like they tell me they want me to grow up and be independent but then treat me like I’m a child. How can I talk to them about this frustrating dynamic?

<h3 style="font-weight: bold; font-size: 16px;"><a href="https://client.tryframe.com/therapists/2571" rel="noopener" style="color: #ff6943;" target="_blank">Frame therapist Sandra Shahrokh </a>weighs in…&nbsp;</h3>
I first want to say how confusing and frustrating it can be to receive mixed messages from family members. It happens often in families where family members say one thing but their actions say another. It makes sense that you want to talk to them and find a solution to this frustrating dynamic.&nbsp;
Let's start here:
<ul>
<li aria-level="1">First, it's time to get curious about what your needs are. What are you needing from your family and from yourself? I bring this up because it can be helpful to get clear on your needs so you can communicate them effectively. If you walk into a situation having no idea what you need that’s okay AND it might make it difficult to communicate.&nbsp;</li>
<li aria-level="1">Second, I'm a big believer in trying to communicate as assertively as possible.&nbsp; Assertive communication is when you are clear and direct (I have provided some ideas below). We want to be careful to not be aggressive in the way we approach things which can look like placing blame solely on the other person and using hurtful words. This can sound like, “you’re crazy for always doing this!” You also want to try to stay away from communicating in a passive way. This can look like not saying what you really mean, and going against what you need to please the other person. Ultimately, you want to communicate in a way where you are being clear about your needs.&nbsp;</li>
<li aria-level="1">Third, as someone who is Mexican-American it’s important for me to note that different cultural backgrounds have different ways of communicating. What one culture may view as aggressive, passive and/or assertive communication may be completely different for another culture. My idea to you is to use my suggestions in your own voice and in a way that works for you.&nbsp;</li>
</ul>
For this situation I have two thoughts about how you could approach this using assertive communication.&nbsp;
Option 1 seeks to get a little bit more clarity from your family. This may sound like, “I feel confused by the messages I'm receiving. Can you clarify what you mean by wanting me to have more independence? It feels like when I try to do this it’s upsetting to you both. Am I reading that right? What are you noticing?”&nbsp;
Option 2 is really going for it and telling them what you need from them. This may sound like, "I'm hearing from you that I need to focus a bit more on my independence. I agree with this too. I’m going to start doing this and may not always be available to attend family events. This doesn't mean I don't care or you don't matter. This is important for me to work on and I'd value your support. Can you support me in making this change?”&nbsp;
After you've had the talk there are some important things to keep in mind:
<ul>
<li aria-level="1">You may have to have several conversations with your family about this. People may need reminders when you're doing something new or changing it up.</li>
<li aria-level="1">They may have their own emotions come up as a result of this discussion and that's okay. You are not responsible for their emotions and it isn't your job to fix it.&nbsp;</li>
<li aria-level="1">Lastly, assertive communication can take practice. It's okay if it feels uncomfortable at first. It means you’re taking care of yourself. Keep practicing and don't give up. You got this!&nbsp;</li>
</ul>
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About the Author: <a href="https://client.tryframe.com/therapists/2571" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="font-style: italic; color: #3574e3;">Sandra Shahrokh</a> is an associate marriage and family therapist in private practice in Calabasas, CA. Sandra works with OCD, anxiety, substance use, adult children of alcoholics/ dysfunctional families, and relational issues. Sandra is passionate about helping individuals create healthier relationships with themselves and others. Sandra is first gen Mexican-American and is attuned to the ways in which culture may play a role in family and relational dynamics. To learn more, view additional content Sandra has created, or to get in touch, <a href="https://client.tryframe.com/therapists/2571" style="color: #3574e3;" rel="noopener" target="_blank">visit her Frame profile here</a>.&nbsp;
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** This blog series is not suited for people who are in immediate crisis. If you are in crisis, please call National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK(8255) or contact Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741.

Dear Therapist: I feel like my parents are giving me conflicting messaging because they emphasize how much they want me to be independent and successful but then also guilt me when I’m not spending time with them and sacrificing my plans to do family events. It’s almost like they tell me they want me to grow up and be independent but then treat me like I’m a child. How can I talk to them about this frustrating dynamic?

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Dear Therapist: I feel like my parents are giving me conflicting messaging because they emphasize how much they want me to be independent and successful but then also guilt me when I’m not spending time with them and sacrificing my plans to do family events. It’s almost like they tell me they want me to grow up and be independent but then treat me like I’m a child. How can I talk to them about this frustrating dynamic?

Pauline Peck, M.A., M.M.F.T., Ph.D.

African american man in grey sweater kissing forehead of caucasian woman in pink sweater

Ask A Therapist: Will My Partner's Family Ever Accept Me?

Dating someone from a different cultural background has its own set of unique challenges, as well as benefits, like exposure to new ideas and traditions.

Dear therapist, My girlfriend has a different cultural background than me, which I have no problem with. However her family doesn’t approve of us being together, and it feels like she is hiding me from her parents. I love her, but is it worth it to stay in the relationship if I’ll never be accepted? 
<a href="https://client.tryframe.com/therapists/pauline-peck" rel="noopener" target="_blank">Frame therapist Pauline Peck</a> weighs in...
Dating someone from a different cultural background has its own set of unique challenges, like the family dynamic you are describing, as well as benefits, like exposure to new ideas and traditions. And yet, ALL relationships require work. Ultimately, you get to decide what work you are willing to do given the value of the relationship and the connection to the person.&nbsp;
I hope I can offer you some things to think through that will help you determine what is right for you:
&nbsp;
1. Be gentle with the assumption that because you are not currently accepted, that you will never be accepted.
&nbsp;
There is a lot here to be explored.&nbsp;
&nbsp;
Let’s say the cultural difference is the obstacle here: having worked with many <a href="https://tryframe.com/blog/ask-a-therapist-how-talk-to-my-parents-about-my-bicultural-relationship" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #3574e3;">interracial and cross cultural couples</a> before, this is not an uncommon experience when someone is the first in their family to date outside of their own cultural background. It’s part of our biology to respond to new things with fear, judgment, and hesitation. It can take time to work through those feelings and while there is no guarantee that her family will work through theirs, it is definitely a possibility that they may be able to process this unexpected news over time. I have seen some parents become estranged from their children for choices like this and others who have eventually welcomed this person into their family.&nbsp;
&nbsp;
2. Be curious about the reason for their disapproval – not assuming that they are unaccepting just because of your cultural differences.&nbsp;
&nbsp;
There might be lots of reasons influencing how her family is responding. For example, they might also be hesitant because they are not sure if the relationship is serious. Different cultures have different norms about dating than Western culture where dating may be looked down upon, especially if marriage is not on the horizon. Sometimes families who are weary of welcoming significant others during the dating process become more accepting once it looks like the relationship is more serious. Once they see that this is not a fleeting situation, they might be more receptive to learning about you. While I don’t know what is going on for them, leaving room for some curiosity might help you and your girlfriend figure this out.
&nbsp;
3. As hard as it is, remember that this isn’t really about them rejecting YOU.&nbsp;&nbsp;
&nbsp;
Not being accepted can bring up all sorts of feelings in us like rejection, hurt, anger, and insecurity. They don’t know you and seem to be hesitant to begin that process for reasons unknown to you and me and maybe even your girlfriend. It can be hard not to take this personally but I hope you realize that this is about them and not about you. Not personalizing this can help you leave space for possibly connecting to them in the future should this become an option.&nbsp;
&nbsp;
4. Your girlfriend can play a critical role here.
&nbsp;
This is a hard place for you to be because a lot of this is between your girlfriend and her family. I want to encourage you by saying that there are things that your girlfriend can do to help her family process this information – like having conversations over time that get to the heart of the matter. While her hiding this part of herself because of her fear of judgment is understandable, over time, hiding is not going to resolve the tension. Setting boundaries will also be important. Despite how important family can be in many cultures, she is choosing to date you and that choice deserves to be protected.&nbsp;
Check out my <a href="https://client.tryframe.com/therapists/pauline-peck" rel="noopener" target="_blank">free translation guide</a> for communicating with your immigrant parents as a resource. While I don’t know for certain whether they are immigrants, there are lots of communication tools and specific how-tos that could still be useful to her. The guide breaks down ways to navigate differences between adult children and their parents who might have a different cultural lens.&nbsp;
&nbsp;
5. Your job is to communicate about your experience.&nbsp;
&nbsp;
It’s actually very important that you both freely and openly talk about your experiences to one another throughout this process. Solid relationships are built on both parties being able to express themselves freely and if your relationship is going to withstand this external stressor, you will need a strong foundation built by the two of you through communication and intimacy. While her family (something neither of you have total control over) is influencing your relationship a lot, it’s empowering to reclaim some of your choice by focusing on creating the space for both of you to talk about your experience of this – although you’re in different positions. It’s not likely that this situation is going to resolve overnight and there are so many layers to what each of you are feeling so your best bet in preserving the relationship, should you want to do that, is to make sure that you both feel seen and heard and supported by one another. Make sure that she knows what this situation brings up in you and whether/when you need reassurance and support. Let her know that you are there to help her navigate the messiness of her love for you on one side and her love for her family on the other.
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About the author: <a href="https://client.tryframe.com/therapists/pauline-peck" rel="noopener" target="_blank">Pauline Yeghnazar Peck, M.A., M.M.F.T., Ph.D.</a>, is a licensed psychologist in CA and NY with a private practice in Santa Barbara. Specializing in anxiety, life transitions, trauma, and multicultural issues, she works mostly with the children of immigrants and cross cultural couples to break patterns of intergenerational trauma and create the love, work, and lives they feel happy to call their own. If you would like to connect with Pauline, <a href="https://client.tryframe.com/therapists/pauline-peck" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #3574e3;">head to her Frame profile here.</a>
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Dear therapist, My girlfriend has a different cultural background than me, which I have no problem with. However her family doesn’t approve of us being together, and it feels like she is hiding me from her parents. I love her, but is it worth it to stay in the relationship if I’ll never be accepted?

https://8349570.fs1.hubspotusercontent-na1.net/hubfs/8349570/Black%20man%20kissing%20forehead%20of%20white%20woman.png

Dear therapist, My girlfriend has a different cultural background than me, which I have no problem with. However her family doesn’t approve of us being together, and it feels like she is hiding me from her parents. I love her, but is it worth it to stay in the relationship if I’ll never be accepted?

Janet Bayramyan, LCSW

Expressing Your Emotional Needs as A Trauma Survivor

If you are the survivor of trauma, here is some language you can share with your new partner regarding your needs.

<h3>How Past Trauma Can Impact Current Relationships</h3>
Healing wounds takes careful, hard work. But it is possible to replace old rules bit by bit. <a href="https://client.tryframe.com/get-started" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #3574e3;">Finding a therapist</a> who can recognize and acknowledge the hurt, which the survivor has carried alone for so long, is key to repairing deep wounds.
Partners may decide to work individually with their own trauma-informed therapist, while working with another as a couple, to provide the resources they need.&nbsp; When a survivor of early trauma can finally find a comforting connection with a therapist, and then with their partner, the relationship between the couple can begin to support deep healing as well.
The more we understand about the impact of trauma, the more we can help those touched by it to go beyond surviving, and find the healing security of healthier loving relationships.
<h3>Language to Express Your Needs</h3>
If you are the survivor of trauma, here is some language you can share with your partner as well regarding your needs.
<ul>
<li>“I’m having a hard time now, I need _______.” </li>
<li>“I’m noticing myself feeling more anxious, dysregulated, and unable to control my emotions, can I please have 10 minutes to myself?” </li>
<li>“When __X__ gets triggered, I feel ___Y___. What would help me is (e.g.- a gentle hug, validation, reminder you love me, reminder that you’re here to support me.”&nbsp; </li>
</ul>
It’s important for the survivor to know that their feelings matter, that they are physically and emotionally safe, and that you care about them and their needs.&nbsp;
In a relationship, a history of trauma is not simply one person’s problem to solve. Anything that affects one partner impacts the other and the relationship. With guidance from therapy, partners begin to see how to untangle the issues.
--- About the author: <a href="https://client.tryframe.com/therapists/883" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="font-style: italic; color: #3574e3;">Janet Bayramyan</a>&nbsp;is a licensed therapist, licensed in CA, FL and SC. Janet specializes in working with trauma survivors, those with challenges in their relationships and family dynamics utilizing EMDR and Brainspotting therapies. Janet believes in everyone's internal resiliency and innate ability to heal. Read more from Janet, or connect directly, by visiting <a href="https://client.tryframe.com/therapists/883" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #3574e3;">her Frame profile here.</a>&nbsp;
&nbsp;

<h3>How Past Trauma Can Impact Current Relationships</h3> 
Healing wounds takes careful, hard work. But it is possible to replace old rules bit by bit. <a href="https://client.tryframe.com/get-started" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #3574e3;">Finding a therapist</a> who can recognize and acknowledge the hurt, which the survivor has carried alone for so long, is key to repairing deep wounds.

https://8349570.fs1.hubspotusercontent-na1.net/hubfs/8349570/Image%20Templates%20-%202022-07-28T124945.521.png

<h3>How Past Trauma Can Impact Current Relationships</h3>
Healing wounds takes careful, hard work. But it is possible to replace old rules bit by bit. <a href="https://client.tryframe.com/get-started" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #3574e3;">Finding a therapist</a> who can recognize and acknowledge the hurt, which the survivor has carried alone for so long, is key to repairing deep wounds.

Expressing Your Emotional Needs as A Trauma Survivor

Janet Bayramyan, LCSW

Relationships, Trauma, Therapist Guide

July 29, 2022

3 min read

How Past Trauma Can Impact Current Relationships

Language to Express Your Needs

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