Kate Nichols, LSW

women couple sitting at table holding hands

Ask A Therapist: My Family isn't Respecting My Partnership

If you’re upset that’s a signal to you that a boundary hasn’t been respected by your family, and that something important to you feels threatened.

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Licensed Therapists share their mental health tools, insights, and answers to a wide variety of mental health topics in weekly blogs and interviews. The Frame blog also features mental health advocates sharing their therapy journeys because every story is worth talking about. Frame is here to listen. 

Frame Therapy Blog

Dear Therapist, I came out a few years ago to my whole family, and everyone was more or less accepting and supportive. My partner and I come to all family gatherings together as a couple and everyone knows we’re planning on marrying someday, but my aunt and uncle continue to call my partner my “friend” when referring to her. They act fine with it other than that detail, and I know I should just let it go, but I can’t help but be deeply hurt that they can’t refer to her as my partner/ girlfriend. Is it fair to be upset? How should I handle this?

<a href="https://client.tryframe.com/therapists/1113" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #ff6943;">Frame therapist, Kate Nichols</a>, weighs in...
Of course it’s fair to be upset. Feelings aren’t right or wrong, they just are. Your feelings are totally valid. If you’re upset that’s a signal to you that a boundary hasn’t been respected, that something important to you feels threatened. Yes, you can recognize that this has everything to do with them and their own hang-ups and limitations, and it probably really isn’t personal. That still doesn’t make it okay. So, how should you handle this?&nbsp;
You could let it go, but I think you’ve got some options you can explore first. You could speak with your aunt and uncle yourself. Maybe saying something like “I noticed you refer to my girlfriend as my friend. I just want to make sure you’re aware we’re in a committed, romantic relationship and she’s not just my friend. It makes me feel like you don’t respect our relationship or take it seriously when you refer to her as my friend”.&nbsp;
If this feels too challenging or unsafe, you can outsource this emotional labor. You mentioned that most of your family has been supportive. Maybe you could ask another one of your more supportive family members to address the issue with them. This way your feelings are being addressed but without the emotional labor falling solely on your shoulders.&nbsp;
Sometimes the best we can do is express our needs/wants/feelings and communicate what actions would help, and hope that this leads to change or at least opens up a dialogue. If they’re not receptive, it might be time to consider placing some boundaries around the relationship to do what’s best for yourself.
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About the author: <a href="https://client.tryframe.com/therapists/1113" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #3574e3;">Kate Nichols</a>, LCSW is a therapist in private practice virtually in New Jersey. She specializes in working with millennial women who want to break their people pleasing patterns and show up boldly in their lives and the world.&nbsp; To learn more about Kate or view more of her work, check out <a href="https://client.tryframe.com/therapists/1113" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #3574e3;">her Frame profile</a>.
<hr>
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Dear Therapist, I came out a few years ago to my whole family, and everyone was more or less accepting and supportive. My partner and I come to all family gatherings together as a couple and everyone knows we’re planning on marrying someday, but my aunt and uncle continue to call my partner my “friend” when referring to her. They act fine with it other than that detail, and I know I should just let it go, but I can’t help but be deeply hurt that they can’t refer to her as my partner/ girlfriend. Is it fair to be upset? How should I handle this?

https://8349570.fs1.hubspotusercontent-na1.net/hubfs/8349570/couple%20sitting%20at%20dining%20table.png

Dear Therapist, I came out a few years ago to my whole family, and everyone was more or less accepting and supportive. My partner and I come to all family gatherings together as a couple and everyone knows we’re planning on marrying someday, but my aunt and uncle continue to call my partner my “friend” when referring to her. They act fine with it other than that detail, and I know I should just let it go, but I can’t help but be deeply hurt that they can’t refer to her as my partner/ girlfriend. Is it fair to be upset? How should I handle this?

Jessica Jefferson, LCSW

A Therapist's Guide to Better Sleep

Therapist shares her top tips for improving your sleep as well as a breakdown of how to implement those changes in one week. 

<h1 style="font-size: 16px;">Have you ever heard of sleep hygiene?</h1>
We often think of the word “hygiene” and immediately relate it to physical cleanliness. However, <a href="https://tryframe.com/blog/ask-a-therapist-1656616406326" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #3574e3;">sleep hygiene</a> is not about how clean you are but more about a routine and an intentional rhythm one sets in order to increase efficacy, impact, and overall wellness in their life. Sleep is a gift of rest, recharge, and reset we give to our bodies much like the charge we give to devices. You can think of “Sleep Hygiene” as Healthy Sleep Habits, or practical, applicable, actionable steps one can take to get better sleep.

The goal of sleep hygiene is so much more than developing a sleep routine, getting to bed early, or adding another task to the unending list of get-well-quick schemes. It is the intentional choice to put yourself, your rest, and your wellness as a priority, so you can take care of your most important asset, your health, and then the other things like family, faith, friends, finances. This is the key to overall wellness.
<h1 style="font-size: 16px;">Here is what you can do to improve your sleep:</h1>
Cultivate a Wind-Down Routine - if you have kids, this is a given, you know no water after a certain time to prevent accidents. Well, us larger humans are no different. Our brains are wired for consistency and routine.&nbsp;
The first thing we want to do is curate the sleep experience, the same way we curate other experiences in our life, to prepare us for good sleep.
When you think of Wind Down, your mind may go to things like alcohol or removing all responsibility from your plate for a moment. While that may seem like a quick fix for a stressful day, it may not be setting you up for a successful, restful night of sleep. Let’s face it, as a generation, we are <a href="https://tryframe.com/blog/ask-a-therapist-how-do-i-find-balance-between-work-life-and-sleep" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #3574e3;">constantly wound-up</a> and operating on overload. In comparison to previous generations and times, we are more accessible than ever and the notifications never stop. If you are anything like me, a work in progress, getting to bed, falling asleep, and staying asleep are three different and gargantuan tasks. So for those are struggling to get restful sleep, I have broken this all the way down to a granular, step-by-step, level.
Let’s get into the basic of this wind (not WINE) down, routine:
1- Decide where you want to start. Here are some examples of behavioral changes you can make: turn off your phone alerts, no screen time, go to bed around the same time, use ambient noise to your advantage, etc.
2- Do what feels manageable. For some this might mean picking one thing to work on while others may be ready to make a few changes off the bat.
3- Identify the most natural start for your sleep routine. Start with the path of least resistance.&nbsp;
Here’s an example of those steps put into play from my own life:&nbsp;
First I identify the behavioral change I want to address: ‘NO screen time before bed!’ This one is my personal nemesis as a mother of a 1-year-old and owner of several businesses. To make a change to the amount of screen time, I start by setting a sleep time (bedtime) for myself (based on when I naturally get sleepy), and then determine how long before this time I will stop using my phone. It’s important to first assess what feels like a doable goal for yourself and is reasonable given your responsibilities. Don’t try to go from 0 to 100 overnight or you will set yourself up for disappointment.
Here’s a breakdown of an implementation plan that you can use over the course of a week:
Sunday: plan 3 days that you want to start cultivating your wind-down routine (e.g. Monday, Wednesday, Sunday) for this week.
Monday: start small (not 2 hours before bed) maybe 30 minutes before bed you put your phone down and do not pick it up again until the morning. In that 30 minutes, you wind down, take your shower or bath, and play some relaxing music. Personally, I love putting my towel in the dryer before my nighttime bath as well as adding some essential oils on it like, sleep or lavender. I also love this <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5VXwf08NpSqteyR3XBEKbK?si=bf03f38e49d849f1" style="color: #22374b;">mix</a> before getting into bed.
Tuesday: pick one part that worked from your new sleep routine and repeat just that part again- with or without your phone. We are building habits, not prisons!
Wednesday: repeat the full routine from Monday, and tweak it to make more sense for YOU, and where you PRESENTLY are. This can look like decreasing the time or changing up the order of your wind-down. Remember this is an experimental process, more like a work of art on canvas, not a permanent tattoo.&nbsp;
Thursday: Do more of that feel-good thing from Monday or Wednesday, the part(s) that felt like a reward.
Friday &amp; Saturday: Rinse and repeat Thursday.
Sunday: Repeat the sleep routine from Wednesday, again modifying based on what you found most helpful and how you’re feeling in this moment.
Continue until the feel-good habits come more automatically to you as the need to disconnect, and your phone naturally go down. This will take time, so be patient with yourself! Remember, even if you only get 10 minutes of no screen time before bed, by the end of one week you will have decreased your screen time by 30 minutes and that is worth celebrating!
<h1 style="font-weight: bold; font-size: 16px;">Some additional tools for sleep hygiene include:</h1>
<ul>
<li aria-level="1">Use ambient noise to your advantage.</li>
<ul>
<li aria-level="2">The National Sleep Foundation says it helps with getting to and staying asleep.</li>
</ul>
<li aria-level="1">Find your favorite sleep smell.</li>
<ul>
<li aria-level="2">There is no right or wrong way for this, find what works and stick to it. Lavender is a very common and popular choice.</li>
</ul>
<li aria-level="1">Try a sleep-friendly snack.</li>
<ul>
<li aria-level="2">Cherries for example are a great source of melatonin.</li>
</ul>
<li aria-level="1">Take a short nap.</li>
<ul>
<li aria-level="2">Try to keep naps to 20-30 minutes long.</li>
</ul>
<li aria-level="1">Maximize your sleep quality.</li>
<ul>
<li aria-level="2">Measure what you are doing with your sleep hygiene and what does and does not work. There is no one-size fits all.&nbsp;</li>
</ul>
<li aria-level="1">Use your bed for 2 things ONLY: Sleep and sex</li>
<ul>
<li aria-level="2">Make a point to reserve your bed for only 2 activities (i.e. no more watching TV in bed). This will help develop a stronger association between your bed and sleep.</li>
</ul>
</ul>
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About the Author: <a href="https://client.tryframe.com/therapists/2233" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #ff6943;">Jessica F.B. Jefferson, LCSW</a>, is a therapist and the Founder &amp; CEO of Soul Wellness, Social Support, &amp; Therapeutic Services. Jessica is a wife, mother, entrepreneur, ministry worker, transformative speaker, and global wellness advocate. She leverages her multifaceted experience to empower others to live and lead well in every facet of life. Her mission is to empower individuals to show up in full strength and brilliance. To learn more, view additional content Jessica has created, or to get in touch, <a href="https://client.tryframe.com/therapists/2233" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #3574e3;">visit her Frame profile here</a>.&nbsp;

<h1 style="font-size: 16px;">Have you ever heard of sleep hygiene?</h1> 
We often think of the word “hygiene” and immediately relate it to physical cleanliness. However, <a href="https://tryframe.com/blog/ask-a-therapist-1656616406326" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #3574e3;">sleep hygiene</a> is not about how clean you are but more about a routine and an intentional rhythm one sets in order to increase efficacy, impact, and overall wellness in their life. Sleep is a gift of rest, recharge, and reset we give to our bodies much like the charge we give to devices. You can think of “Sleep Hygiene” as Healthy Sleep Habits, or practical, applicable, actionable steps one can take to get better sleep.

https://8349570.fs1.hubspotusercontent-na1.net/hubfs/8349570/Therapists%20Guide%20to%20better%20sleep.png

<h1 style="font-size: 16px;">Have you ever heard of sleep hygiene?</h1>
We often think of the word “hygiene” and immediately relate it to physical cleanliness. However, <a href="https://tryframe.com/blog/ask-a-therapist-1656616406326" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #3574e3;">sleep hygiene</a> is not about how clean you are but more about a routine and an intentional rhythm one sets in order to increase efficacy, impact, and overall wellness in their life. Sleep is a gift of rest, recharge, and reset we give to our bodies much like the charge we give to devices. You can think of “Sleep Hygiene” as Healthy Sleep Habits, or practical, applicable, actionable steps one can take to get better sleep.

Hilary Fair, LP

Your Guide to Confident Self-Expression

Learn how to express yourself in authentic ways and effectively communicate your needs with confidence.

How often do you struggle to say what you mean? Is it challenging to express yourself in ways that feel heard, understood, and respected? Does the word “communication” excite you or make you break out in a cold sweat?

I often find myself working with highly sensitive, intuitive people experiencing anxiety. They also tend to be folks who are so tuned into the needs of others, they’ve started to lose track of their own.&nbsp;
While this orientation towards others is an effort to sustain relationships (by avoiding conflict, hurting someone’s feelings, or disappointing the other person), it actually tends to compromise feelings of closeness and intimacy. This can spill over into the various important relationships in our lives—romantic, professional, familial—impairing our ability to communicate effectively, establish boundaries, and express ourselves authentically.
<h1 style="font-weight: bold; font-size: 16px;">What are the barriers to self-expression?</h1>
<ol>
<li aria-level="1">Empathy &amp; Sensitivity: I often find myself suggesting to clients that their empathy, sensitivity, and depth of insight is both their superpower and their kryptonite. The ability to “read the room” and intuit the experiences of others can be such a gift when it is shared consciously and skillfully! However, when it becomes a default to shapeshift and <a href="https://tryframe.com/discussions/how-to-stop-people-pleasing" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #3574e3;">accommodate others</a> for fear of the repercussions, it can erode our sense of self and compromise our ability to show up in our relationships honestly and healthfully.</li>
<li aria-level="1">Childhood Experiences: Sometimes, a sense of being seen, heard, and understood wasn’t reliably available in our early environments. This isn’t to suggest mal-intent from caregivers, but to acknowledge the both subtle and explicit ways thoughts and feelings may have been talked over, shamed, challenged, or denied—and to notice how what is modeled to us in these early experiences can lead to the adaptations we use to manage our circumstances.</li>
</ol>
<h2 style="font-size: 16px;">&nbsp;Strategies to support change:&nbsp;</h2>
<ol>
<li>Consider what the phrase “authentic self-expression” means to you. It may be saying no when you mean no, and yes when you mean yes. It may be wearing that outfit you love, even though your mother may criticize it, or resting when you need rest. Or knowing you want Thai food, not hotdogs, and stating that preference when your best friend asks where you want to go for dinner.</li>
<li>Journal: Our needs and wants can’t be met if we don’t know them ourselves, or are unable to share them. Likewise, boundaries are harder to create if we don’t know where we need them, or can’t communicate them. I often assign Julia Cameron’s Morning Pages exercise to clients willing to explore it. Cameron’s exercise is for overcoming creative blocks for artists, but I think the foundational principle (free-writing for three pages without lifting your hand from the page) can help to clarify our thoughts and needs. Follow the stream of your thoughts (even this looks like: “I don’t know what to write, I don’t know what to write, I need to get cheese later, I don’t know what to write”). Generally, by the end of the exercise, there is something on the page you didn’t consciously know. This can be a chance to explore what you’re feeling, what changes you may desire and, if it eventually feels right, to play with how you might want to communicate what you’ve discovered. 
Here are some prompts in case they help you get started:
What I really want to say is…
What I really think about X is…
If I were being the truest version of myself, I would do/say/wear/try…
</li>
<li>Support your body: Using <a href="https://tryframe.com/discussions/building-confidence-part-1-moving-our-bodies" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #3574e3;">grounding strategies</a> and <a href="https://tryframe.com/discussions/building-confidence-part-2-filling-your-basket" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #3574e3;">breath work</a> can help stabilize us while doing (or contemplating doing) hard things. You could even visualize yourself expressing yourself honestly, allowing yourself to feel the discomfort that may arise, and then supporting yourself through it using the grounding and breathing strategies. This is a way to practice the skill, or build the muscle, ahead of doing the heavy lifting.</li>
<li>Practice in safe relationships: A therapeutic relationship is a great place to begin exploring things like dominant survival stances and repressed feelings/needs—and then to practice things like honest self-expression. However, there are often other relationships in a person’s life that can support this development, too. It may be a best friend, or aunt, or mentor, or partner: think about the people and places in your life where you feel most seen and understood and allow yourself to start small. This may mean practicing that Thai Food not hotdogs thing (rather than heading straight into a heart to heart with someone you find it hard to speak honestly to). Taking small steps has a cumulative effect. As we practice and learn that the sky doesn’t fall in when we say what we want or need, we can build our confidence and generate momentum in our growth.</li>
<li>“I’m having a reaction.” This is one of the most helpful tools I’ve learned. Even if we can’t name exactly what is going on for us in that moment, we may be able to learn how to name it as an experience. “I’m having a reaction” identifies to the other person that something is happening and it engages them in a limited but authentic way (vs. fighting, running away, or freezing). Using this phrase can buy ourselves some time by acknowledging the other person while also allowing ourselves space to regulate our body and emotions before trying to communicate.</li>
</ol>
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About the Author: <a href="https://client.tryframe.com/therapists/hilary-fair" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #ff6943;">Hilary Fair</a> is a Registered Psychotherapist in Ontario, Canada. She provides psychodynamic and holistically-attuned therapy to individuals navigating anxiety. To learn more, view additional content she has created, or to get in touch, <a href="https://client.tryframe.com/therapists/hilary-fair" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #3574e3;">visit her Frame profile here</a>.&nbsp;

How often do you struggle to say what you mean? Is it challenging to express yourself in ways that feel heard, understood, and respected? Does the word “communication” excite you or make you break out in a cold sweat?

https://8349570.fs1.hubspotusercontent-na1.net/hubfs/8349570/TG%20Expressing%20Yourself.png

How often do you struggle to say what you mean? Is it challenging to express yourself in ways that feel heard, understood, and respected? Does the word “communication” excite you or make you break out in a cold sweat?

Grace Huntley, LMHC

3 Ways to Align Your Values with Your Career

People eventually lose interest in unlimited PTO and on-tap IPA if they’re stuck doing a job or working for a company that doesn’t align with their values.

Who’s heard of the “Sunday Scaries?” It’s the feeling of dread that creeps up on a Sunday night when you know that tomorrow you’ll be turning in your weekend freedom for the <a href="https://tryframe.com/blog/ask-a-therapist-how-do-i-find-balance-between-work-life-and-sleep" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #3574e3;">9-5+ grind</a>. The truth is, whether you’re a victim of the "Sunday Scaries" or not, as adults, we spend a large percentage of our lives working. In fact, according to Jessica Pryce-Jones’ research that she covers in her book <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Work-Maximizing-Psychological-Capital/dp/0470749466" style="color: #22374b;" rel="noopener" target="_blank">Happiness at Work</a>, on average, workers spend about 90,000 hours working in their lifetime.&nbsp;

That’s a lot of time to spend doing something that you don’t believe in or feel connected to.&nbsp;
&nbsp;
<h2 style="font-size: 16px;">Work to Live or Live to Work?</h2>
In my work as a career counselor and therapist, I’ve found that time and time again, people eventually lose interest in unlimited PTO and on-tap IPA if they’re stuck doing a job or working for a company that doesn’t align with their values. In the end, people want to be doing something each day that they can stand behind, and that fits their ideas of how the workplace, and the world, should work. But don’t just take my work for it; <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/social-sciences/job-satisfaction" style="color: #3574e3;" rel="noopener" target="_blank">research</a> supports value alignment as one of the most important factors in job satisfaction.&nbsp;
&nbsp;
<h3 style="font-size: 16px;">So how do we take steps to align our work with our values?</h3>
1. Get clear on what you believe in. 
<ul>
<li aria-level="1">Figure out exactly what your values are and which ones are most important.&nbsp;</li>
<ul>
<li aria-level="2">Name both your personal values (general things that we hold in high regard and believe in like honesty or loyalty) and your job values (more specific things that we look for within a work environment like transparent leaders or equitable treatment).&nbsp;</li>
<li aria-level="2">Which are necessities and which are nice to have?&nbsp;</li>
</ul>
<li aria-level="1">Review your past working experiences to reflect on where you felt most aligned with the company’s mission or way of running, or what you were doing there.</li>
</ul>
&nbsp;
2. Identify what your values look like in action. Once you have a sense of what your values are, start thinking about how they would play out in a work environment.
<ul>
<li aria-level="1">For example, if one of your top values is sustainability, are you looking for a job in the direct-to-consumer (DTC) industry, you might look for a company who uses recycled packing materials or encourages customers to re-use bottles.&nbsp;</li>
<li aria-level="1">Another example may be that if you prioritize wellness, you may look for a company that specifically encourages employees to take mental health days, and has leaders that lead by example.&nbsp;</li>
</ul>
&nbsp;
3. Do your due diligence. Finally, it’s time to match the company to what you’re looking for.&nbsp;
<ul>
<li aria-level="1">Identify your target organizations and look for employee reviews.</li>
<li aria-level="1">Connect with either past or current employees to learn more about what its like to work there.</li>
<li aria-level="1">Develop a couple of questions to ask during an interview process that will tell you more about the company’s values.</li>
<ul>
<li aria-level="2">Ex. If I care a lot about diversity, I may ask whether the organization has Employee Resource Groups and how long they’ve had them. I may also ask about their current plans for diversity recruiting or the initiative they’re most proud of in terms of supporting a diverse workforce.</li>
<li aria-level="2">Ex2. If I value work life balance most, I may ask when people typically leave the office at the end of the day. I may inquire what type of process is in place to help employees find coverage for time off or how the company’s leadership supports equitable workloads.</li>
</ul>
</ul>
&nbsp;
Target Your Search
At the end of the day, a proactive and informed job search is the best course of action to align your values with your career. However, if you’re not sure your current organization is a fit, or if you’re considering a pivot, it may be helpful to seek support.&nbsp;
&nbsp;
Reach Out For Support
<a href="https://hbr.org/2022/02/do-you-need-a-career-coach" style="color: #3574e3;">Career coaches</a> can be great assets during periods of exploration or transition in your professional life. My colleges offer career counseling to their alumni, or you can find independent career coaches via <a href="https://www.themuse.com/coaching" style="color: #3574e3;" rel="noopener" target="_blank">services</a>, <a href="https://www.forbes.com/sites/janicegassam/2022/01/17/11-career-coaches-helping-jobseekers-navigate-the-great-resignation/?sh=34961ea07382" style="color: #3574e3;" rel="noopener" target="_blank">articles</a>, or directories.
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About the author: <a href="https://client.tryframe.com/therapists/1474" rel="noopener" target="_blank">Grace Huntley</a> is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in NY who provides telehealth counseling to self-aware overachievers in their 20-30s who are striving toward self-love.&nbsp; As transracial adoptee and first-generation college student, Grace has always been interested in helping others navigate uncertain paths, specifically when they're experiencing a lack of social capital to guide them. Grace’s approach is collaborative, stemming from a belief that the client is the expert on their own life and experience. While she’s comfortable working with a diverse range of clients and issues, areas of specialty are career and transitions, emerging adulthood, anxiety, depression, romantic obstacles, and trauma. Her goal is to help clients gain insight into their "whys, wheres, and whens" to promote self-awareness and reduce negative patterns of thought and behavior. Learn more about Grace and view more of her work on <a href="https://client.tryframe.com/therapists/1474" rel="noopener" target="_blank">her Frame profile</a>.

Who’s heard of the “Sunday Scaries?” It’s the feeling of dread that creeps up on a Sunday night when you know that tomorrow you’ll be turning in your weekend freedom for the <a href="https://tryframe.com/blog/ask-a-therapist-how-do-i-find-balance-between-work-life-and-sleep" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #3574e3;">9-5+ grind</a>. The truth is, whether you’re a victim of the "Sunday Scaries" or not, as adults, we spend a large percentage of our lives working. In fact, according to Jessica Pryce-Jones’ research that she covers in her book <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Work-Maximizing-Psychological-Capital/dp/0470749466" style="color: #22374b;" rel="noopener" target="_blank">Happiness at Work</a>, on average, workers spend about 90,000 hours working in their lifetime.&nbsp;

https://8349570.fs1.hubspotusercontent-na1.net/hubfs/8349570/TG%20work%20values.png

Who’s heard of the “Sunday Scaries?” It’s the feeling of dread that creeps up on a Sunday night when you know that tomorrow you’ll be turning in your weekend freedom for the <a href="https://tryframe.com/blog/ask-a-therapist-how-do-i-find-balance-between-work-life-and-sleep" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #3574e3;">9-5+ grind</a>. The truth is, whether you’re a victim of the "Sunday Scaries" or not, as adults, we spend a large percentage of our lives working. In fact, according to Jessica Pryce-Jones’ research that she covers in her book <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Work-Maximizing-Psychological-Capital/dp/0470749466" style="color: #22374b;" rel="noopener" target="_blank">Happiness at Work</a>, on average, workers spend about 90,000 hours working in their lifetime.&nbsp;

Yvonne Burgos, PsyD

Real Strategies to Cope with Social Anxiety

Therapist Dr. Yvonne Burgos shares practical, tangible tools for coping with social anxiety, breaking down the steps on when and how to use them.

Do you find yourself dreading going to social outings? Is it difficult to have a conversation or meet unfamiliar people? Do you find yourself thinking that you might say or do something embarrassing? Are you constantly reliving your interactions with others? Are you embarrassed to eat in front of others? If any of these sounds familiar to you, you might be experiencing social anxiety.

<h1 style="font-size: 16px;">What is Social Anxiety?</h1>
<a href="https://tryframe.com/blog/do-i-have-social-anxiety" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #3574e3;">Social anxiety</a> is when a person experiences excessive worries, fears, or body sensations (for example, rapid heart beat, shallow breathing, tension throughout the body, excessive sweating) in social situations. In addition, the person may fear being judged by others or doing things that may be embarrassing. As a result, the person may avoid social interactions and cause significant distress or problems in their everyday life.
The DSM-V-TR describes social anxiety as marked fear or anxiety about one or more social situations in which the individual is exposed to possible scrutiny by others.
The individual fears that he or she will act in a way or show anxiety symptoms that will be negatively evaluated.
As a result of these fears, the person may avoid social interactions.
Social situations may always provoke fear or anxiety.
The fear is out of proportions to the actual threat posed by the social situation.
The fear, anxiety, or avoidance is persistent.
The fear, anxiety, or avoidance causes clinically significant distress.
<h2 style="font-size: 16px;">Tips and Strategies to Manage Social Anxiety</h2>
The first step is to consider the following:&nbsp;
<ol>
<li>What is the earliest memory you have of engaging in social interactions that caused anxious thoughts or feelings?&nbsp;</li>
<li>What is the worst part of engaging in social interactions?&nbsp;</li>
</ol>
Next, as you think of the worst part of engaging in social interactions, notice how it feels in your body. What kind of thoughts come up for you when you think about engaging in social situations? What negative beliefs do you have about yourself? Asking yourself these questions may help you in understanding your symptoms and why those symptoms come up for you in social situations. This knowledge will guide you in knowing when to practice the tools and strategies that will be suggested. Noticing when these negative thoughts, feelings, or sensations come up for you can help you know when to practice the coping skills that will be shared.
The first suggested coping skill is the <a href="https://tryframe.com/discussions/three-part-breath-exercise-for-stress-reduction" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #3574e3;">belly breathing exercise</a>. Taking a break to do belly breathing exercises before engaging in a social interaction may help lessen the social anxiety symptoms. On the other hand, you can excuse yourself during the social interaction, if you notice the negative thoughts, sensations, or feelings coming up, to do belly breathing in a safe place. There are many apps that you can download that will guide you with engaging in <a href="https://tryframe.com/discussions/self-soothing-tool-for-high-anxiety" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #3574e3;">breathing exercises</a>. However, note that belly breathing exercise can be done without an app (as I share below).
<h3 style="font-size: 16px;">How to do belly breathing exercise:</h3>
<ul>
<li aria-level="1">Make sure both your feet are on the floor so you can ground yourself.&nbsp;</li>
<li aria-level="1">You do not have to close your eyes if it is uncomfortable.&nbsp;</li>
<li aria-level="1">Now imagine that you had a balloon in your belly and as you inhale, that balloon is being filled up with air and as you exhale, that balloon is being deflated.&nbsp;</li>
<li aria-level="1">As you engage in these belly breathing exercises, you should notice your belly moving up or down as you inhale and exhale. If you notice your chest is moving up and down then you are not doing belly breathing.&nbsp;</li>
<li aria-level="1">Try to be mindful that you are relaxing your shoulders while doing the belly breathing exercises.</li>
</ul>
The second suggested coping skill is <a href="https://tryframe.com/blog/ways-to-center-yourself-that-dont-involve-guided-breathing" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #3574e3;">using sensory objects</a> to help you stay grounded. Sensory objects have been shown to be helpful with regulating the body and distracting the mind. You can purchase sensory toys that are small that you can keep in your pocket or keychain.&nbsp;
Another trick is having a hot or cold drink in your hand and taking a sip before talking, to help you slow down, and ground yourself before interacting.&nbsp;
<h3>Examples of Sensory Objects (There are many different types of sensory toys. Use trial and error to see which one works best for you):</h3>
<ul>
<li aria-level="1">Pop it</li>
<li aria-level="1">Fidget spinner</li>
<li aria-level="1">Stress ball</li>
<li aria-level="1">PlayDoh</li>
<li aria-level="1">Sour candy&nbsp;</li>
<li aria-level="1">Keys can serve as sensory object</li>
</ul>
The last strategy suggested is preparing yourself before the event by using the belly breathing exercise and having a mantra as you do the exercise. The mantra can be as simple as silently saying “I am in control” as you inhale or exhale. Remember to go slow, and take breaks in between, to help you manage.
Start practicing these skills by yourself first and then move up to one or two people before going to social outings. As you become comfortable with practicing the suggested skills/strategies discussed, you can slowly move up to larger social outings. It may take a few tries and feel uncomfortable at the beginning. However, as you practice the skills, you may notice less discomfort in social settings. Be gentle and patient with yourself if you find it difficult to do.
Please note, that these strategies and tips are suggestions on how to manage it and do not substitute professional help.
<h4>When and how to seek professional help</h4>
If you find yourself avoiding social interactions, experiencing any of the symptoms discussed above and these symptoms are causing problems in your ability to work, interpersonal relationships, or education then seeking professional help would be recommended.
You can seek professional help by calling your insurance carrier (if you have insurance) and asking for a list of mental health providers in your area.&nbsp;Also, searching therapists in different search platforms such as <a href="https://tryframe.com/" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #3574e3;">Frame</a> or Psychology Today can help you narrow a list of therapists in your area that provide the services to treat social anxiety.
Be prepared to share your symptoms and a thorough history of the problem that you are experiencing so that your therapist can better understand how they can help you.&nbsp;Most importantly, being comfortable with your therapist and feeling safe will make your healing journey easier to navigate.&nbsp;
Finding the right therapist is like finding the right pair of shoes. It is okay if you do not match with a therapist on the first try; just like you may have to try on a few pairs of shoes before finding the right fit, you may have to go through a few therapists.&nbsp;
---
About the author:<a href="https://client.tryframe.com/therapists/1132" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #ff6943;"> Dr. Yvonne Burgos</a> obtained her PsyD in forensic Psychology from Alliant International University. She is a clinical psychologist who has fourteen years of experience working with children, adolescents, and adults in clinical settings. Dr. Burgos primary focus is working with complex trauma. Learn more about her specialities, read more of her content, or get in touch by <a href="https://client.tryframe.com/therapists/1132" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #3574e3;">viewing her Frame profile here</a>.

Do you find yourself dreading going to social outings? Is it difficult to have a conversation or meet unfamiliar people? Do you find yourself thinking that you might say or do something embarrassing? Are you constantly reliving your interactions with others? Are you embarrassed to eat in front of others? If any of these sounds familiar to you, you might be experiencing social anxiety.

https://8349570.fs1.hubspotusercontent-na1.net/hubfs/8349570/Social%20Anxiety%203.png

Do you find yourself dreading going to social outings? Is it difficult to have a conversation or meet unfamiliar people? Do you find yourself thinking that you might say or do something embarrassing? Are you constantly reliving your interactions with others? Are you embarrassed to eat in front of others? If any of these sounds familiar to you, you might be experiencing social anxiety.

Analee Phang, LMFT

Ask A Therapist: Overwhelmed by People Reaching Out in Times of Racial Injustice

Although these individuals may mean well, it is understandable that it can add another layer of stress for BIPOC people.

Dear Therapist,&nbsp; I’m overwhelmed by white people reaching out and asking how they can help. How do I tell them to give me space?

Frame therapist Analee Phang weighs in...
Being a BIPOC person has been exhausting for decades (if not centuries), and some people are just becoming aware of that. Well, their recent lightbulb moment is none of our business.
Although these individuals may mean well, it is understandable that it can add another layer of stress for BIPOC people. It is like asking someone who's house is burning down how they can help. The answer is obvious and also, it's not a great time to have a whole conversation on fire safety protocols. So your feeling of overwhelm is completely valid. We shouldn't have to do the work for ourselves and for everyone else when it comes to <a href="https://tryframe.com/blog/ask-a-therapist-did-i-say-the-right-things-as-her-mom" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #3574e3;">racism</a>.
In these situations it is 100% okay to ignore, block, or just say, "I need space." Just like we have dealt with <a href="https://tryframe.com/blog/ask-a-therapist-4" rel="noopener" target="_blank">microaggressions</a>, being followed in stores, stereotypes, and much worse. They can deal with a little awkwardness and having to do their own research.
<h2 style="font-size: 16px;">Ways to Respond when People Ask You "How Can I Help?"</h2>
If you feel the need to respond, try responding in one of these ways:
<ul type="disc">
<li>"I just need space to process my own emotions."</li>
<li>"Thanks, but no thanks."</li>
<li>"I'm too overwhelmed to help you, help me at the moment."</li>
<li>"Thank you for thinking of me, but I prefer you put your thoughts into action by donating to [insert your charity of choice] or doing your own thorough research on antiracism." </li>
</ul>
The ideal way to deal with this scenario is to take care of yourself. Turn off your phone for an evening. Spend time with those you love. Take a long shower. Or speak with your therapist about ways to handle any additional stress in your life. You deserve a break.
---
About the therapist:&nbsp;<a href="https://client.tryframe.com/therapists/1187" rel="noopener" target="_blank">Analee Phang</a>&nbsp;is a California based&nbsp; LMFT, who works with multiracial identifying women on building understanding of their identities and relationships.&nbsp;<a href="https://client.tryframe.com/therapists/analee-phang" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #3574e3;">Click here</a> to view Analee's Frame profile and learn more about her approach and style.
<hr>
Welcome to our content series "Ask a Therapist" featuring real user-submitted questions, and the follow-up answers from Frame Therapists. We believe that everyone can benefit from hearing how people, just like them, get through their struggles, learn and grow.
 Have a question you'd like to "Ask a Therapist"? <a href="https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSd2C_GF53LITwD2RmCLnKSpKTN4SuSlh22lcqjXPFT9k8dMOg/viewform" style="font-style: italic;">Submit Your Question Here </a>
** This blog series is not suited for people who are in immediate crisis. If you are in crisis, please call National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK(8255) or contact Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741.&nbsp;

Dear Therapist,&nbsp; I’m overwhelmed by white people reaching out and asking how they can help. How do I tell them to give me space?

https://8349570.fs1.hubspotusercontent-na1.net/hubfs/8349570/Ask%20a%20Therapist%20Overwhelmed%20by%20people%20reaching%20out%20racial%20injustice.png

Dear Therapist,&nbsp; I’m overwhelmed by white people reaching out and asking how they can help. How do I tell them to give me space?

Ask A Therapist: Overwhelmed by People Reaching Out in Times of Racial Injustice

Analee Phang, LMFT

Boundaries, Ask a Therapist, Racial/Cultural Identity

3 min read

Ways to Respond when People Ask You "How Can I Help?"

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