Caroline Lay, MFT

Ask A Therapist: How Can Couples Rebuild Trust After Infidelity?

Advice on rebuilding a relationship after infidelity. 

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Licensed Therapists share their mental health tools, insights, and answers to a wide variety of mental health topics in weekly blogs and interviews. The Frame blog also features mental health advocates sharing their therapy journeys because every story is worth talking about. Frame is here to listen. 

Frame Therapy Blog

Dear Therapist: I lied to a partner to cover up an infidelity committed before we had officially defined the relationship but while we were dating in a serious way. I lied multiple times to cover it up because I thought it would hurt him to find out and that it wouldn't be beneficial to tell him. This was gaslighting and wrong. How do we re-build trust in the relationship without sacrificing all privacy? He wants access to all text messages and photos of mine and I want to rebuild trust but in a healthy way. What are some ways to do this?
<a href="https://client.tryframe.com/therapists/1014" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #ff6943;">Frame therapist Caroline Lay</a> weighs in... The beginning stages of a relationship can be confusing and unclear regarding expectations and it’s totally normal to want to protect your partner, especially if the infidelity was a mistake and insignificant to you. What is important now is that you both are trying to rebuild the relationship. With the right approach, you both can definitely move forward and continue to build a strong and healthy relationship.
Apologizing and admitting your mistakes to your partner is the first step in the rebuilding process. Acknowledging the infidelity and having that difficult conversation with your partner is important to express all your feelings and to give him a safe space to process and ask any questions he might have. Having this conversation will not only help your partner begin the forgiving stage but it will also help you forgive yourself.&nbsp;
Being honest is a key factor in starting a new strong foundation for your relationship. It might be easy to go the opposite direction and sacrifice your privacy to ensure your loyalty but that can be detrimental as well, as it does not allow you both to build trust with one another. Being honest with clear intentions with what you are sharing with your partner can be helpful in deciphering if you are sharing because you want to, or if you are sharing to overcompensate for your infidelity.&nbsp;
Direct communication and consistency are two helpful habits that are essential in rebuilding trust and for building long lasting successful relationships. Direct communication can mean having difficult and uncomfortable conversations. Although it may be difficult at first, being able to be open and direct with your partner leaves less room for conflicts, miscommunications and resentment. Consistency will help your partner be able to depend on you and feel secure in the relationship which will overall help rebuild trust in a healthy manner.
Putting these habits in place within your relationship will help you both rebuild your trust and maintain a healthy and secure relationship. Doing this with love will help you both remember how important you are to one another and that everyone makes mistakes. Rebuilding trust takes time and patience but I am confident you both can succeed using these tips!&nbsp;
--- About the author: Caroline Lay, AMT is an associate marriage and family therapist based in Los Angeles, California. Caroline specializes in working with young adults dealing with anxiety, relationship issues, women issues, immigrant issues, childhood trauma, and the Asian American experience. To learn more about her approach, or to get in touch, <a href="https://client.tryframe.com/therapists/1014" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #ff6943;">explore her Frame profile here.</a><a href="https://client.tryframe.com/therapists/1014" rel="noopener" target="_blank" id="__hsNewLink">&nbsp;</a>
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Welcome to our weekly content series "Ask a Therapist" featuring real user-submitted questions, and the follow-up answers from Frame Therapists. We believe that everyone can benefit from hearing how people, just like them, get through their struggles, learn and grow.
Have a question you'd like to "Ask a Therapist"?&nbsp;<a href="https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSd2C_GF53LITwD2RmCLnKSpKTN4SuSlh22lcqjXPFT9k8dMOg/viewform" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #22374b;">Submit Your Question Here</a>
** This blog series is not suited for people who are in immediate crisis. If you are in crisis, please call National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK(8255) or contact Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741.&nbsp;
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Dear Therapist: I lied to a partner to cover up an infidelity committed before we had officially defined the relationship but while we were dating in a serious way. I lied multiple times to cover it up because I thought it would hurt him to find out and that it wouldn't be beneficial to tell him. This was gaslighting and wrong. How do we re-build trust in the relationship without sacrificing all privacy? He wants access to all text messages and photos of mine and I want to rebuild trust but in a healthy way. What are some ways to do this?

https://8349570.fs1.hubspotusercontent-na1.net/hubfs/8349570/Image%20Templates%20%2857%29.png

Dear Therapist: I lied to a partner to cover up an infidelity committed before we had officially defined the relationship but while we were dating in a serious way. I lied multiple times to cover it up because I thought it would hurt him to find out and that it wouldn't be beneficial to tell him. This was gaslighting and wrong. How do we re-build trust in the relationship without sacrificing all privacy? He wants access to all text messages and photos of mine and I want to rebuild trust but in a healthy way. What are some ways to do this?

Dr. Natalie Zaragoza, LMFT

How Childhood Trauma Shows Up in the Workplace

 If you’re struggling to relax at work, exploring these ideas and what may be triggering you in therapy can be helpful.

Our work places have the tendency to be emotional environments because, well, humans are emotional. 
Our work systems often replicate aspects of our family systems because we are working in a group within an established role. If our family systems were toxic and chaotic, we can feel stressed, uneasy and reactive at work where the stakes to do well are high. It can feel like the pressure to do well means life or death, as it may have felt as a child. 
If you’re struggling to relax at work, exploring these ideas and what may be triggering you in therapy can be helpful.
<a href="https://client.tryframe.com/therapists/1007" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #ff6943;">- Dr. Natalie Zaragoza</a>
About the author: Dr. Natalie Zaragoza is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Orange County, CA. She is part of the Frame Therapy community and owns an emotionally-focused and somatic-based private practice and is a part time professor. She was born and raised in Southern CA. Learn more about her approach by visiting <a href="https://client.tryframe.com/therapists/1007" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #ff6943;">her Frame profile here.&nbsp;</a>

Our work places have the tendency to be emotional environments because, well, humans are emotional.

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Our work places have the tendency to be emotional environments because, well, humans are emotional.

Sherlyn Frank, LCSW

Ask A Therapist: What To Do When You Don't Like Your Partner's Friends?

Communication with your partner is key. Learn 3 ways to start a hard, but necessary, conversation. 

Dear Therapist: My husband’s best friend annoys me so much. I’ve really tried to be patient with him because I know how much my husband loves him but almost everything he does irks me. He is very proactive about wanting to hang out, he’s dating someone new and is excited for us all to hang out with consistency. I really am trying to be kind here but I’m bummed every time we have to see them. His humor is childish, I don’t like the restaurant or bars he recommends we go to, I’m not into the same movies, literally everything! What do you do in this situation? I don’t plan to cut him out of my husband’s life, but can I cut him out of mine? (too harsh???)
<a href="https://client.tryframe.com/therapists/1460" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="font-weight: bold;">Frame Therapist Sherlyn Frank</a> weighs in... Let me start by saying that you are entitled to your feelings and that your ability to keep your husband, and his feelings in mind, is commendable.&nbsp; However, as his wife, you are entitled to feel differently about his best friend. He irks you and despite your best efforts, and love for your husband, you cannot enjoy your time together.&nbsp;&nbsp;
In relationships, we make sacrifices for the one’s we love but you are also under no obligation to spend time with someone that irks you.&nbsp; While you may not always share the same interests, this is your husband’s best friend not yours.&nbsp;
Have you shared your thoughts and feelings with your husband? Is it important to your husband that you join him and his best friend on couple’s dates? Can your husband make suggestions for restaurants and bars? Have you thought about being proactive and making recommendations?
The love and care that you have for your husband is evident.&nbsp; If the feelings are mutual, as his wife, he will also want you to feel excited and comfortable spending time with him and his best friend; it should be enjoyable for you, too!
It may be difficult to share your feelings about your husband’s best friend and his interests, but you can only suppress your true feelings for so long before they come out in anger and frustration. Write down how you feel about spending time with his best friend.&nbsp; This would give you an opportunity to clarify and filter your thoughts before talking to your husband.&nbsp;
---
About the Therapist: <a href="https://client.tryframe.com/therapists/1460" rel="noopener" target="_blank">Sherlyn Frank</a> is a Clinical Social Worker licensed in New York and California with over 25 years of experience specializing in treating high functioning professional women with anxiety and depression. She is currently seeing adult clients as part of a group practice in Southern California while she transitions to private practice.
<hr>
Welcome to our weekly content series "Ask a Therapist" featuring real user-submitted questions, and the follow-up answers from Frame Therapists. We believe that everyone can benefit from hearing how people, just like them, get through their struggles, grow and change. Have a question you'd like to "Ask a Therapist"?&nbsp;<a href="https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSd2C_GF53LITwD2RmCLnKSpKTN4SuSlh22lcqjXPFT9k8dMOg/viewform" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #ff6943;">Submit Your Question Here</a>
** This blog series is not suited for people who are in immediate crisis. If you are in crisis, please call National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK(8255) or contact Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741.

Dear Therapist: My husband’s best friend annoys me so much. I’ve really tried to be patient with him because I know how much my husband loves him but almost everything he does irks me. He is very proactive about wanting to hang out, he’s dating someone new and is excited for us all to hang out with consistency. I really am trying to be kind here but I’m bummed every time we have to see them. His humor is childish, I don’t like the restaurant or bars he recommends we go to, I’m not into the same movies, literally everything! What do you do in this situation? I don’t plan to cut him out of my husband’s life, but can I cut him out of mine? (too harsh???)

https://8349570.fs1.hubspotusercontent-na1.net/hubfs/8349570/AAT-partners%20friends.png

Dear Therapist: My husband’s best friend annoys me so much. I’ve really tried to be patient with him because I know how much my husband loves him but almost everything he does irks me. He is very proactive about wanting to hang out, he’s dating someone new and is excited for us all to hang out with consistency. I really am trying to be kind here but I’m bummed every time we have to see them. His humor is childish, I don’t like the restaurant or bars he recommends we go to, I’m not into the same movies, literally everything! What do you do in this situation? I don’t plan to cut him out of my husband’s life, but can I cut him out of mine? (too harsh???)

Dr. Veronica Eyo, LCSW

Parenting Myths, Busted

Parenting myth busted by Therapist Dr. Veronica Eyo

As parents, we want the best for our kids, and often when we think about the best we think in terms of positive experiences. The reality though is that always having positive experiences is not possible. Struggling is a part of life. Just like you can struggle and still be doing your best. The same can be true for your child. You are still enormous support for them during times of struggle. Cheering for you, mama.
<a href="https://client.tryframe.com/therapists/826" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #ff6943;">- Dr. Veronica Eyo </a>
About the author: Dr. Veronica Eyo is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Los Angeles, CA. She provides individual and couples counseling services, and have a passion for working with mamas, new and seasoned, and with first-generation college students. Learn more or connect with Dr. Eyo by visiting <a href="https://client.tryframe.com/therapists/826" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #ff6943;">her Frame profile.&nbsp;</a>

As parents, we want the best for our kids, and often when we think about the best we think in terms of positive experiences. The reality though is that always having positive experiences is not possible. Struggling is a part of life. Just like you can struggle and still be doing your best. The same can be true for your child. You are still enormous support for them during times of struggle. Cheering for you, mama.

https://8349570.fs1.hubspotusercontent-na1.net/hubfs/8349570/Image%20Templates%20%2838%29.png

As parents, we want the best for our kids, and often when we think about the best we think in terms of positive experiences. The reality though is that always having positive experiences is not possible. Struggling is a part of life. Just like you can struggle and still be doing your best. The same can be true for your child. You are still enormous support for them during times of struggle. Cheering for you, mama.

Ilona Varo, LMFT

A Therapist's Guide to Self-Regulation

Self-regulation refers to our ability to self-soothe, ground, and feel connected to our emotional and mental experience during times of discomfort.&nbsp;It is a great skill to practice since we can easily become overwhelmed by our external world, as well as our internal thoughts.&nbsp;
The way we “reset” is by focusing on our body and nervous system, rather than getting lost in the tumbleweeds of our mind/thoughts.
The mind can get hectic, chaotic, and overwhelmed. Thoughts start to race, we try to make sense of them, we try to control them, which leads to feeling even more dysregulation, or discomfort. A great way to create calm in the body is to detach from the thoughts or thinking, and focus on the sensations in the body.
Our mental/emotional experience works in 2 ways. First, there are messages that are sent down from the brain into the body, referred to as top-down information. Secondly, there are messages sent from the body up to the brain, which is referred to as bottom-up information.&nbsp;
People occasionally are more familiar, and more aware of one type of information flow over the other. It can be beneficial to begin to build awareness and pay attention to both, and notice how they interact, and affect your overall sense of well-being. 
For this five-minute mental health reset, we are going to explore a tool from <a href="https://tryframe.com/discussions/what-is-emdr" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #ff6943;">EMDR </a>called “Resourcing”.&nbsp; EMDR stands for eye-movement desensitization and reprocessing. This tool was developed originally for PTSD symptoms. In today’s day and age, a lot of our anxiety can be experienced in similarly dysregulating ways.&nbsp;Some dysregulation symptoms include rapid heart rate, shortness of breath, rumination of thoughts, difficulty sleeping, anxiety, feeling out of control, feeling on edge, feeling like a sense of safety is threatened, irritability, and more.
By practicing this tool of “resourcing” from EMDR, we will work on developing a felt sense of calm, safety, and groundedness.&nbsp;
We are not going to be worried about the thoughts, the meaning making, or the logical content of our experience.&nbsp;We are going to focus solely on the body, and create a grounded felt sense experience.&nbsp;
 LET'S BEGIN:&nbsp; 1. The Physical Practice-&nbsp;
The root of this type of resourcing is "bilateral stimulation", which means having a stimulation occurring on both sides of your body, in an alternating pattern.&nbsp;
The most common and soothing practice is either the butterfly tap, tapping your feet, or tapping your knees in an alternating fashion.&nbsp;
You can adjust the speed and intensity to whatever feels right to you.&nbsp;
Give that a go for a few seconds. Tune in to the sensation of the alternating tap. Bring awareness to the pace, pressure, and sensations which are activated internally.
 2. The Internal Practice:&nbsp;
Next, we are going to bring forth an internal resource using our imagination.&nbsp;
An internal resource is a person, place, thing, or imaginary character, which brings you a sense of nurturing, wisdom, protection, or any other internal quality that you would like to strengthen within.&nbsp;
You can really customize and tailor the type of internal resource you want to strengthen depending on what’s happening in your life.&nbsp;
For example, if you are struggling with confidence, social anxiety, or impostor syndrome, it can be helpful to imagine a character from a movie who you might admire in those situations. Someone who is fearless, outgoing, confident, resilient, and bold.
If you are seeking more comfort, nurturing, or unconditional love, you might want to imagine a beloved pet for example.&nbsp;
If you are seeking stillness or peace, you might want to resource yourself with a place (real or imaginary) which evokes a sense of calm. Perhaps a beautiful waterfall, a beach, or the mountains.&nbsp;
Follow your intuition, and give yourself what you are needing in this moment.&nbsp;
If you feel comfortable closing your eyes, that can deepen the experience.&nbsp; Practicing this with eyes closed is something to build up to. The experience seems very subtle and neutral from the outside, but it can be a profound experience for the person practicing it.&nbsp; [PLEASE NOTE: If you have a history of complex trauma, dissociation, or difficulty being in an embodied experience, I encourage you to keep your eyes open, and always listen to your body. If things get too uncomfortable, please stop or discontinue these practices.]
Next, see if you can describe with as many sensory details as possible, the essence of this person/place/character. 
For example, How do they walk? How do they talk? What are some distinguishing characteristics that they embody? Do they have a phrase that they often say? How do they make you feel when you think of them, or think of being around them? 
Engage the bilateral tapping and bring into your awareness all of the details of this person, place, or character.&nbsp;
Tune in to what you notice in your body. Notice if your breathing slows down a bit. Notice if any images, sensation, colors, or sounds appear.
Take some deep breaths and continue tapping on this practice.&nbsp;
See if there’s any wisdom, internal messages that come forward, or any internal shift that might be experienced.&nbsp;&nbsp;
When you feel complete, bring yourself back into the present awareness and into the room.&nbsp;
 A FEW REMINDERS:
This is a practice that you can do anywhere and anytime.&nbsp;
Play around with different characters, locations, and experiences.&nbsp;
Play around with different internal characteristics that you feel you would like to strengthen within. The traditional ones to start with are peace, nurturing, protection, wisdom.
Notice how you can carry this experience throughout the rest of your day.&nbsp;
The more you practice this, the more you are hardwiring your brain to be familiar with the characteristics that you are working on.&nbsp;
For example, if you are tapping on confidence, you will most likely begin to re-wire a familiar sense of confidence in the neural pathways of your brain, and make it more easily accessible to feel confident in difficult situations.&nbsp;
This is not a practice to do once and expect miraculous results.&nbsp;
This is something to practice, build on, and have in your mental health toolbox for whenever you feel dysregulated or emotionally experiencing discomfort. --- About the Author: <a href="https://client.tryframe.com/therapists/176" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #ff6943;">Ilona Varo </a>is a Therapist &amp; Coach based on Los Angeles. To learn more about her approach, and explore addition content she has authored, <a href="https://client.tryframe.com/therapists/176" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #ff6943;">view her Frame profile here.&nbsp;</a> 
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Self-regulation refers to our ability to self-soothe, ground, and feel connected to our emotional and mental experience during times of discomfort.&nbsp;It is a great skill to practice since we can easily become overwhelmed by our external world, as well as our internal thoughts.&nbsp;

https://8349570.fs1.hubspotusercontent-na1.net/hubfs/8349570/Image%20Templates%20%2831%29.png

Self-regulation refers to our ability to self-soothe, ground, and feel connected to our emotional and mental experience during times of discomfort.&nbsp;It is a great skill to practice since we can easily become overwhelmed by our external world, as well as our internal thoughts.&nbsp;

A Daily Outline to Processing Your Feelings

A daily practice you can use to check-in on your emotions and observe how they guide your thoughts & behaviors. 

Here is a fun game to play regarding emotions, behaviors, and beliefs.&nbsp; How would you fill in the blanks? What are some repetitive thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors that you are working on correcting or upgrading?

- Ilona Varo, Therapist &amp; Coach
We recommend you repeat this exercise daily from <a href="https://client.tryframe.com/therapists/176" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #ff6943;">Frame therapist Ilona Varo</a>. Track the experience you have trying to name your emotions and how that may vary day-to-day. Establishing a routine of a "self check-in" can be valuable for your growth, and how you express your needs, wants and boundaries.&nbsp;&nbsp;
Follow Ilona Varo for more content<a href="https://www.instagram.com/ilonavaro/" rel="noopener" target="_blank" style="color: #ff6943;"> @ilonavaro</a>
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Here is a fun game to play regarding emotions, behaviors, and beliefs.&nbsp; How would you fill in the blanks? What are some repetitive thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors that you are working on correcting or upgrading?

https://8349570.fs1.hubspotusercontent-na1.net/hubfs/8349570/Image%20Templates%20%2820%29.png

Here is a fun game to play regarding emotions, behaviors, and beliefs.&nbsp; How would you fill in the blanks? What are some repetitive thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors that you are working on correcting or upgrading?

A Daily Outline to Processing Your Feelings

Ilona Varo, LMFT

Personal Growth

April 21, 2022

1 min read

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Ask A Therapist: What To Do When You Don't Like Your Partner's Friends?

Parenting Myths, Busted

A Therapist's Guide to Self-Regulation